


i keep on spinning (for you)

by 101crumbs



Category: IZONE (Band)
Genre: F/F, Feelings Realization, Fluff, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings, the rest of the members are just mentioned, the world needs more ssambbang
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-01
Updated: 2020-09-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:46:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26231374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/101crumbs/pseuds/101crumbs
Summary: Hitomi had always wanted to grow as an artist, but she needed inspiration to come from somewhere, somewhat, someone. Turns out, Chaewon was what she was looking for.
Relationships: Honda Hitomi/Kim Chaewon (IZONE)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 25
Collections: Girl Group Jukebox - Mixtape Round





	i keep on spinning (for you)

**Author's Note:**

> Written for GG Jukebox Mixtape Round, inspired by Merry-go-round by IZ*ONE. Enjoy!

People often used to think Hitomi was a ball full of cuteness. And, of course, she was, but they would miss some important things about her if they’d label her just as the cutie one in her group. She was so much more than that.

She was smart, witty, sassy, the one who would put a smile on her members on a bad day— along with, of course, Yena. She was great at remembering choreographies.

And, also, she was hopelessly in love with one of her members.

Falling in love with Chaewon was not something that happened in an instant. Hitomi didn't fall in love at first sight, in fact, she saw the girl countless times before realizing she was in love with her.

Hitomi didn’t feel that she was struck by lightning when she saw Chaewon arriving at the survival show auditions, nor did she lose herself in the eldest eyes while seeing her sing. It was a slow process. In fact, it was really slow.

So, so slow it had taken her a long time to realize the strength of her feelings.

She could still remember the first time she felt something odd while looking at Chaewon. It was on Produce 48 finale, when they announced the older would be a part of the final line-up. Somehow, seeing Chaewon crying out of happiness made Hitomi shudder from head to toe, and it only got worse when she smiled.

Still, she didn’t think it was love back then. Hitomi just thought it was her own anxiety showing up. After all, she was yet to be called.

Minutes later, when Lee Seungi sunbaenim called her own name, she forgot about the incident. She had way more important things to care for at the moment.

That was until Chaewon smiled at her again, causing Hitomi to stop breathing for about five seconds.

The next months were a blur. Dance practice, vocal practice, and recording left her barely any moment to rest, and it didn’t help that Chaewon was there. 

Actually, she wanted to scream. Chaewon was there all the time. If Hitomi was all by herself, Chaewon would show up to keep her company; if Hitomi was starving because she concentrated on dancing so much she forgot to eat, Chaewon would bring her food. If Hitomi was scared- she didn’t get scared easily, but she liked to play along with her members, Chaewon would hold her hand.

And, every single time, Hitomi would feel a little tug on her heart. It was small at first, light, as if those little moments with the older weren’t enough. As if she wanted something more.

Which, for the record, she wasn’t sure she did.

So she kept it to herself, ignoring the fact that every day it was a little harder to fall asleep. That Nako could clearly see how something was messing with her head. That even Yena was realizing it, too.

It wasn’t that she was cynical about love, she really wasn’t. She was in love with the idea of love itself. She knew how much of a big word that was, which was exactly her reason to keep quiet.

She was sure, no matter what the answers to her questions about Chaewon were, it would change her entirely. And that wasn’t part of the plan, of the dream she had when she decided to challenge herself on the show. She was supposed to learn a new language, new vocal techniques, new dance steps. She was not supposed to learn about love.

Still, sometimes (at night, when she was too tired to try to make sense to her thoughts) she would close her eyes, losing herself in Chaewon’s voice on his head. On how her voice sounded an octave higher than normal when she called her “Hiichan~” before holding her hand while she took her out of the dance practice room. On how she would help her with difficult Korean words. On how, even when they didn’t share the same language, it wasn’t hard at all to communicate with Chaewon.

Hitomi was confused, yet she had never been happiest.

* * *

Hitomi still remembered clearly the exact moment when she stopped being in denial, finally accepting that both Nako and Sakura were right.

It was the day on which both she and Chaewon recorded their first vlive together, even before the recording itself started.

“It’s pretty, right?” Chaewon had asked her. Hitomi turned around to see what she was looking at, but instead, all she could see was the older one and the way she had a soft smile on her lips, eyes shining brightly even though she knew she was tired. The sun was falling directly on her hair, making her glow. Making her look, for a second, just as Hitomi was always picturing her inside of her heart.

“It- Beautiful.” Was all she could whisper, although she was staring directly at Chaewon instead of whatever the older was looking at. That time, the shudder on Hitomi’s body was more like a tornado, and that all made her finally put a name on the feeling that had been growing on her chest.

Now, being in love with Chaewon had become so natural to her that she sometimes found it difficult to think of a time when she had not been. It was almost as natural to her as her love for cheese, or bread. It was an undeniable, irrefutable, irreversible truth.

It was a beautiful feeling to think about, a beautiful thing to feel.

And it was also her biggest secret, no matter how much her members suspected something was going on.

Hitomi wanted it to be a secret, wanted to hide her feelings until the day she died. She wasn’t sure why, she just knew she had to do it.

 _Love is too big of a secret to keep_ , Sakura told her one day. Deep down, she couldn’t agree more.

Still, she was afraid.

She was in a group, which meant she couldn’t think only about herself. She needed to think about her members, about how her actions could affect the dynamics of their group. And no matter how much Nako tried to convince her otherwise, Hitomi was not willing to risk anything they had achieved just because of her feelings.

It was better to just gravitate around the planet that Chaewon was, instead of crushing onto her like a meteorite. It was better to love her from a distance.

Hitomi didn’t mind sacrificing herself.

* * *

“Can we go to an amusing park?” Chaewon asked her one day, when they didn’t have any more schedules to complete. “I want to try a merry-go-round.”

She smiled as she asked, batting her eyelashes at Hitomi. Her perfect, long, curly eyelashes.

How was Hitomi supposed to say no, when Chaewon smiled like that?

Hitomi nodded before running to her room to get changed, choosing one of her favorite dresses. Dark glasses and a cute hat complement her outfit, and the rest was just her waiting for Chaewon to get ready in the living room.

“Do I look good?” Hitomi suddenly heard as Chaewon jumped out of the restroom. Turning around, she tried her best to keep her heart where it belonged to. Chaewon was right there, making something really simple (shorts and a white t-shirt) look like it was worn by a model. Although she was pretty close to be a model if she wanted to, Hitomi guessed. She had seen the older almost every day for more than a year already, and she looked beautiful even with messy hair and bags under her eyes or drool all over her chin.

Chaewon was just beautiful like that.

Hitomi simply nodded in response, as she was not really confident her voice wouldn’t fail her if she tried to say something.

* * *

Her love for Chaewon was fuelled with the slightest things, such as Chaewon holding her hand, running like a child as they reached the merry-go-round.

“Look, it has unicorns!” she almost yelled in excitement, with one of those dreamy smiles Hitomi was so fond for. “Come on, choose one.”

And so Hitomi did, letting go of Chaewon’s hand so that she could get into one of the animals. Missing the warm feeling oh her fingers almost immediately.

It didn’t take long for them to start the ride, Hitomi closing her eyes to feel the breeze on her. It was something she used to do since she was a child, finding peace in feeling the air falling on her face. It reminded her that she was alive.

But that time, she also opened her eyes to look out for Chaewon. Turns out, she wasn’t closing her eyes at all, in fact, she had them wide open, laughing out loud as she stretched out her arms. At that same moment, Chaewon turned around to look at Hitomi, smiling softly.

And it was right there, with Chaewon laughing like a child while the merry-go-round went up and down, that Hitomi felt the greatest surge of inspiration she had felt in her entire life.

She wanted to be an all-rounder, and so she always asked for advice from the production teams the company provided them. Some of them were hard to talk to, but Hitomi had her ways.

And until that day, Hitomi had not understood what a noona had meant when she told her, almost on her way out, “Inspiration hits you when you least expect it. Just pay attention to it.”

But she did now, and so she ran to the bathroom as soon as they went out of the merry-go-round, hiding in a stall to write on her notebook.

_My feelings for you have been at rest._

_Those eyes of yours (you don’t know)._

_My feelings are going around._

Later on, Chaewon would ask her what she was so concentrated on, and Hitomi would laugh it off, hugging her notebook against her chest.

She would resume her writing in her bedroom, in the middle of the night, closing her eyes to picture Chaewon again, her eyes full of stars and galaxies. She would think about her laugh, about the sun hitting her face.

She would think about happiness.

The song was finished in less than an hour.

* * *

She didn’t expect her song to be actually included on their album. In fact, she decided to show it to their manager just so someone could give her feedback, but somehow she was now being included in production meetings, people asking her if she was okay with the melody they came up with.

It was a long day in the studio, but Hitomi was happy. She felt one step closer to her goal of being an all-rounder member in IZ*ONE.

* * *

Hitomi was shaking like a leaf the first time her members heard her song. It felt too personal, like she was basically admitting they were right all the time and she did have a crush on Chaewon. Which of course she had, but she didn’t want the rest to confirm.

Nako grabbed her hand, making circles on her palm with one of her fingers. Hitomi smiled at the smaller girl, appreciating the gesture.

As they heard the song, she tried as hard as she could not to stare to see their reactions, especially the ones from a certain girl with now short hair that only made her look cuter.

Hitomi closed her eyes on the last chorus, breathing deeply as the song reached its end. She was afraid Chaewon would find out, with how obvious she was being. She was afraid to make things awkward between them.

She was not ready for Chaewon to know about her feelings.

“Wow,” was all Hitomi heard when it was over. She opened her eyes, hoping it was a good wow.

Judging for the way her members were smiling at her, it was.

* * *

The next couple of months passed quickly, all eleven of them going from practice to practice, show to show, vlive to vlive. It was comeback season, and they knew already how exhausting it was. Still, Hitomi was happy, and she was sure the others were as happy as her.

Being on stage was all they wanted to do.

And Hitomi was happy at how people reacted to her song. She loved to see wizones liked it, loved to know she was being seen and valued by them. They pointed out how happy she was on the lives, and she couldn’t do anything but laugh. Yes, she was excited about finally repaying their fans with something made by her.

She was also happy with how everyone thought the song was made for Chaewon to shine on it. She couldn’t agree more.

Comeback season was over in the blink of an eye. All of them almost cried out of joy when they were told they’d have one week of vacation. Yes, they loved their fans, but they were also tired to death.

To Hitomi, vacation meant going back home for a while. Although ‘home’ was a weird word to use, now that she felt that she belonged to two places at the same time. Maybe she would get used to it eventually.

However, there were things that didn’t change. Like the fact that, no matter where she was, Chaewon was with her somehow. The distance wasn’t an obstacle for them, Chaewon calling her almost every day, all day. They would talk to each other before sleeping, somethings even falling asleep in the middle of a conversation.

Talking to Chaewon made Hitomi happy.

“What did you do today?” Said girl asked her on the other side of the line, as quietly as she could. She didn’t want to wake up Hitomi’s parents.

Hitomi laughed to herself. “Errands for the girls. I think I almost have a bag full of candy for Wooyoungie."

“I’ll make sure she tips you as you deserve.”

“Baka.” Hitomi hissed under her breath, Chaewon bursting out in laughs at that, muffling her noises with what Hitomi assumed was her hand.

“It’s getting late, you should sleep. You have a flight to catch.”

“Boring.”

“What, don’t you want to come back? I’ll tell Eunbie unnie.”

“I have to come back. You would miss me to death if I don’t.”

Hitomi always hated that it was easier to mess with Chaewon, to flirt with her, when they were talking over the phone like that.

Apparently, she was brave enough to fly to another country to seek a dream, but not to confess.

“You’re not wrong.”

Hitomi went silent, not sure about how to respond. The usual warmth feeling made her dumber than usual at times like that.

“I like it,” Chaewon suddenly said. It was even more quiet, like if she would be saying a secret.

“Mh?”

“The song, your song. I like it. It’s my favorite, even more than Pink Blusher.”

“I-” Hitomi was rendered speechless. They hadn’t talked about that at all, Hitomi even forgetting sometimes that she wrote an entire song about the older woman. “Thank you.”

“Come back safe, okay? Manager and I will pick you up.”

“Okay.”

Hitomi bit her tongue, not knowing what to say. All she knew was that she didn’t want the call to end, she liked knowing Chaewon was there. 

She liked feeling Chaewon close, no matter the distance.

“Tomi? Are you still awake?”

“I am,” she said as fast as she could. “I was- I’m glad you like the song.”

Chaewon stood silent for almost a minute.

“Tomi?”

The nickname made Hitomi blush, somehow appreciating that Chaewon was not there to mock her for it.

“Mh?”

“I miss you.”

Hitomi opened her eyes as wide as she could, her tiredness going away thanks to the adrenaline that simple sentence gave her. For a moment she thought she was dreaming, but she knew she was not.

It was better than that.

Her heart was beating fastly on her chest.

She bit her lower lip, thinking about how to respond. Maybe it was worth risking herself a little bit.

“I miss you too.”

“Night.”

“Night, unnie.”

That day, Hitomi dreamt with Chaewon. Her dreams were filled with warm feelings, laughs, and hope.

Netherless to say, Hitomi wrote another song as soon as she woke up.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! The world needs more ssambbang.
> 
> Comments and kudos are highly appreciated♡.
> 
> also, you can find me on [twitter!](https://twitter.com/hwanswow)


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